Notes from reading “Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Raising Your Spirited Child

Part One : Understanding Spirit

Chapter 1: Who Is the Spirited Child?

“Spirited” children “are more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change than other children."

The good days are full of highs. The dreadful days are full of reprimands, “confusing, frustrating, taxing, challenging and guilt-inducing.”

Other synonyms: “difficult”, “strong-willed”, “stubborn”

Characteristics:

1. Intensity
2. Persistence: Stubborn and committed
3. Sensitivity
4. Perceptiveness: They might get distracted by many things. Often accused of not listening.
5. Slow-to-adapt: Transitions are hard. Broken promises are hard.

“Bonus” characteristics that sometimes appear:

6. Irregularity of schedule
7. Energy: Fidgety, taking things apart, exploring, creating projects, climbing, leaping
8. Quick withdrawal from anything new. Anything new might get a vehement “NO!”
9. Serious mood: Analytical, meticulous, focused on areas of improvement instead of successes

A Credo for Parents of Spirited Children

1. You’re not alone. 15-20% of children fit this description.
2. You did not make your child spirited.
3. You are not powerless.
4. You have permission to take care of yourself.
5. You may celebrate and enjoy the delights of your spirited child.

When spirited children grow up, they can learn to manage their strengths and minimize their weaknesses.

Chapter 2: A Different Point of View: Building on the Strengths

Use positive labels for your kid in your own mind, and when you talk to them and those around them.

Labels can stick to people: “Grumpy,” “Whiner,” “Lord Know It All,” “the Boss,” “pokey,” and “dreamer.”

Spirited kids might get labeled more quickly: “wild”, “hell on wheels”

Pygmalion Effect: Expectations become self-fulfilling prophecies.

To counter this, lay out the labels on the table, dissect them, and redesign them.

Labels from one parent group included: demanding, monster madman, destructive, defiant, unpredictable, totally exhausting, dictator, explosive, argumentative, stubborn, picky, noisy, rude, whiny, inflexible, single-minded.

Labels can trigger fight or flight, “the red zone.” Neutral faces seem angry or rejecting. Innocent acts look intentional.

This negativity is devastating. John Gottman found “2.9 negative statements for every positive statement” [sic] predicted divorce.

Switching from negative to positive labels will alter how you and others perceive your child, e.g. “demanding” can turn into “holds high standards” or “whiny” into “expressive”.

J. J. Goodnow found that parents with socially competent kids attributed social “tussles” to something temporary like playing for too long.

If you frame your kids behavior in a positive way, this is the beginning of a conversation that will keep the conversation calm, which won’t happen if you attribute behavior to being stubborn or difficult.

Parent emotions can be raw:

1. Fear of child not doing well in life
2. Exhaustion
3. Incompetence at parenting
4. Shame that kid has similar points to parent

Pick positive labels and stick to them, deflecting others' negative labels with your own positive ones.

Chapter 3: What Makes Kids Spirited? Why They Do What They Do

Details on the model called “spiritedness”

Temperament: A child’s first and most natural way of reacting to the world around him.

Temperament influences many characteristics including how quickly a child gets upset. “Spirited” children are wired to “fire” faster.

A child that is temperamentally active needs to move. Telling this child to sit still is like telling you to ignore a full bladder.

Personality is combination of temperament, cultural influences, and life experiences.

Temperament is apparent in early years of life and relatively stable, but may be altered.

Chess, Thomas’s New York Longitudinal Study observed 133 children and identified nine differences including “intensity of response”

• Activity: refers to the child’s physical energy.
• Initial reaction: also known as approach or withdrawal. This refers to how the child responds (whether positively or negatively) to new people or environments.
• Mood: refers to the child’s general tendency towards a happy or unhappy demeanor. All children have a variety of emotions and reactions, such as cheerful and stormy, happy and unhappy. Yet each child biologically tends to have a generally positive or negative outlook. A baby who frequently smiles and coos could be considered a cheerful baby, whereas a baby who frequently cries or fusses might be considered a stormy baby.
• Persistence and attention span: refer to the child’s length of time on a task and ability to stay with the task through frustrations—whether the child stays with an activity for a long period of time or loses interest quickly.

Parents can’t choose temperament, but can help the child recognize when his engine is running too hot, give him the words to describe what he is experiencing, and teach strategies to shift lanes smoothly and brake without spinning out of control.

Don’t tell child to not be the things that are in their temperament.

Jason, father of two, was battling with his six-year-old about bedtime every day before learning about temperament.

Calculating a “spited” score:

1. Intensity: How strong are your child’s emotional reactions on a scale of 1 (mild reactions) to 5 (intense reactions).
2. Persistence: If child is involved in an activity, does she stop easily (1) or fight to continue (5).
3. Sensitivity: Aware of noises, others' emotions, temperature, texture and taste (5) vs sleeping through noise, not bothered by texture/smell/taste, unaware of your stress (1)
4. Perceptiveness: Notices people, colors, noises and objects and forgets directions because something else caught her attention (5)
5. Adaptability: Stops one activity and starts another quickly, is flexible to changes in routine (1) vs cries when one activity ends, or becomes upset with changes to routine (5).
6. Regularity: Body functions like sleep, eating, bowel movements are regular (5) vs irregular (1)
7. Energy: Fidgeting, needs lots of exercise (5) vs quiet and still (1)
8. First Reaction: What happens with new people, places, activities or ideas: Jumps right in (1) vs rejects at first or watches before joining in (5)
9. Mood: Usually in a good mood/positive (1) or serious an looking at what needs improvement (5)

9-18: low key

19-28: spunky

29-45: spirited

Chapter 4: Matches and Mismatches: Parents and Kids Fitting Together

Temperament is not changeable. And, are you a spirited parent?

If you have a picture in your head of an ideal child, let it go.

Don’t think of your child as a problem. Instead, look for ways to relate, work together and enjoy each other’s company.

People aren’t that changeable.

If your child has repeated meltdowns, you may not understand why, and thus feel powerless.

Due to temperament being stable it is possible to figure out “the fuel source” and cut it off, take precautions, or prevent “flames” from spreading.

Research shows if you think a child is spoiled or just crying, you tend to respond harshly. Instead, respond compassionately to the fuel source.

Discipline is guiding (contrast with “punishment”).

The relationship is a two-way street. You have to understand your own reactions too.

Self-assess your temperament

1. Intensity: How strong are your emotional reactions: mild (1) to intense (5)
2. Persistence: If you are involved in an activity and asked to stop, or doing a frustrating stop: It’s easy (1) to stop or don’t let go (5)
3. Sensitivity: How aware of you in slight noises/emotions/temperatures/taste/textures: not sensitive (1) to very sensitive (5)
4. Perceptiveness: Are you keenly aware of people, colors, noises and objects - do you forget what you were going to do because something else has caught your attention? Hardly notice (1) to Very perceptive (5)
5. Adaptability: How quickly do you adapt to changes in your schedule/routine? Adapt quickly (1) to slowly (5)
6. Regularity: Are you regular about eating/sleeping/bodily functions: Yes (1) No (5)
7. Energy: Are you always on the move/need exercise: Quiet (1) to Active (5)
8. First Reaction: … to new ideas/activities/places/people: Jump in (1) to Reject at first (5)
9. Mood: How much of the time do you feel happy and content compared with serious and analytical? Positive (1) to Serious (5)

Score:

9-18: Cool parent

19-28: Spunky parent

29-45: Spirited parent

Compare your portrait with child.

Think of what triggers set you off?

When is it challenging to understand your child?

One family bought new swivel/rock/roll chairs to let father and son move around.

If you checked 4-5 on “first reaction” it will take more effort for you to change your relationship with your child.

Part Two: Working with Spirit

Chapter 5: Extrovert or Introvert: Finding the Energy to Cope

Understand and find ways for both you and your child to recharge your introvert/extrovert energy

From the theory of Psychological Type, described by Carl Jung. According to Otto Kroeger and Janet Thuesen “Jung believed that healthy development was based on lifelong nurturing of these preferences, not on working to change them.” Katherine Briggs and daughter Isabel Briggs Myers were spurred by this work. There are also MRI tools to describe physiology behind introverts and extroverts. Long term studies show introvert/extrovert is the most stable trait over time.

We do not get to choose which we are.

Introvert

Needs downtime to reflect. Watches or listens first before joining. Enjoys doing things alone or with one or two special family members. Becomes grouchy being around people too long, especially strangers or large groups. Strong sense of personal space. Enjoys “time-out”. Initially fails to respond to a question when asked. Finds guests “invasive.” Talks a lot with family, but quieter around outsiders.

For introverts, find ways to let them recharge, instead of framing disappearing as being impolite.

Electronics are not great ways to recharge for introverts, but they may use them because it signals to others not to bother them.

Introverts may not tell you about their highlights of the day until bedtime, days, or weeks later. You have to ask questions to follow up on events from before and to find out the ending to a few old stories. You will get worries and concerns in bits and pieces. You have to listen well.

Introverts are outnumbered three-to-one.

Extrovert

Needs to talk to people, share ideas and experiences. Enjoys being around people.

Talks constantly, talks more than listens. Spirited extroverts can wipe their parents out and make siblings feel left out as the “motormouth” gobbles up attention and time.

Interrupts. Does not like being alone. Can’t imagine why someone would want to be alone in a room – joins you to “cheer you up”. Needs lots of approval.

When everyone is given chance to recharge, misbehavior disappears because energy levels are high and coping skills are working smoothly.

Spirited introverts need to hear repeatedly:	Spirited extroverts need to hear repeatedly:
“You think before you talk.” “You need quiet and downtime to feel good.” “You enjoy spending time with yourself.” “You form deep and lasting relationships." “Think about it, I’ll check back in a few minutes to find out what you decided.”	“You are energized by being with people.” “You think by talking about your thoughts and feelings.” “You like to be busy.” “You talk easily with others.”
… and can learn to say:	… and can learn to say:
“I need space and quiet”, “I like to be alone for a while”, “Let me think about that”, “I need some time to work on this by myself” “I had a great time. Could we play again later?" “Please move over”, “I feel more comfortable if I have more room”	“I like to be busy”, “I like to be with people”, “I need to talk about this”, “Could we work together?”

Marti Olsen Laney: “An introvert needs access to her thoughts, feelings, and perceptions in order to have a sense of vitality and equilibrium. Too much external stimulation—activity, noise, chatter—is depleting to her.”

Energy for Introverts

1. Time Alone: Lack of this is major reason for meltdowns, fights, or get nasty. Create after school ritual for recharging. Younger introverted people may find their “security person” to snuggle. Extroverts should avoid pressuring introverts into staying with the group.
2. Physical Space: “No Trespassing” signs posted on doors. Story about a daycare where teachers gave every kid the option to put a hula hoop on the floor that others could not invade.
3. Time for Reflection: Marti Olsen Laney: “Introverts use a longer brain pathway that integrates unconscious and complex information. As a result processing information requires more time. But introverts also are able to incorporate more emotional and intellectual content relevant to the new data.” Extroverts talk through problems. Introverts think through them.
4. Uninterrupted Work Time: Teach them to say “hello” and go back to finishing the task they are in the middle of. This is socially respectful but also respects their energy supply.

Teach introverted kids to make deposits in their energy bank.

Energy for Extroverts

1. Time with People: Forcing extroverts to play alone can be exhausting. Avoid overscheduling. Teach to establish priorities. Can look like “lack of independence”.
2. Feedback: Give lots of words of encouragement. Teach child to ask for affirmation when they need it.
3. People to Help Them Think: Extroverts talk problems out, don’t necessarily need any responses.

Self-assessment for parents. If you’re an extrovert, plan time to be with other adults. If you are an introvert, plan time to be alone every day.

Chapter 6: Intensity: Diffusing Your Child’s Strong Emotions Begins with You

Model self-regulation. Kids follow adults modeling.

Children look to the adults in their lives for help figuring out what they feel and help regulating emotions.

Adults must develop their own self-regulation skills, which makes it easier to instill those skills in children.

Softening your own approach tends to lead to more peaceful child responses.

John Gottman: “emotional flooding”: Fight or Flight, rage, hurt, panic, and fear. Causes screaming / snapping at your kid like “Get in the car, NOW!!!” Kurcinka calls this “red zone”.

Adversarial relationships with children lead to more behavior issues in the long run.

Instead, step into green zone. Mind/body are peaceful.

Green zone does not always happen, but there are strategies to increase its probability.

Perspective

Take a perspective of more nature instead of nurture, like “he’s very sensitive” or “she can’t get the brakes on without my help”. “Depersonalizing”: child is not gunning for you, there’s a reason for the behavior that’s not related to them. Helps avoid feeling attacked. Switches thoughts to “there’s a reason for this, we can work together to figure this out because we’re a team”.

Old: She/He is…	New
manipulating	scared
testing me	exploring
defiant	upset by something
doesn’t like me	maybe I moved too fast/spoke too loudly
out of control	stressed
trying to get away with things	learning boundaries

Pause

Stop / Breathe (get more oxygen) / Think

Give yourself permission to take a time out. Let your child know you are too upset right now but will be back in a few minutes.

Ask for Help

Work together with your spouse – if one of you is heading toward the “red zone” get help from the other one of you. If this seems impossible, seek counseling.

Gottman Institute has found that children of unhappily married parents are chronically aroused psychologically. As a result, they get upset more easily and stay upset longer.

Single parents should lean on good friends who like their child.

Self-Care

Sleep is more important than many other evening tasks. Consider journaling, meditating, praying, or yoga. 8.25 hours are deserved and needed.

Snuggle with a partner if you sleep with one. Touch increases endorphins.

Savor Success

Focus on what went well. Write down three things that went well each day, and 6 months later, compare.

Brainstorm and appreciate what’s good about intensity.

Check out other book: Kids, Parents and Power Struggles

Chapter 7: Intensity: Teaching Your Child Self-Regulation Skills

Work on your own and your child’s skill at identifying the “yellow zone” and strategies for avoiding it and self-regulating when already in it.

Story about diffusing a meltdown with a 1-2 minute-long hug.

Spirited kids do not understand their own intensity.

You do not need to fear their intensity. You can recognize when it is building. Teach kids to direct their intensity instead of let it direct them.

There are specific physical cues like a little line between eyebrows.

Idea of “yellow zone”: slightly whiny or louder, wants help, stumbles, little trouble listening, struggles to make a decision, glances away, pauses in play or gets distracted, hot and itchy, trouble eating and falling asleep.

Emotions are easier to manage in the yellow zone.

If you think you can’t detect any yellow zone, check your own body. Often your frustration is a reaction to the child’s yellow zone.

Tight muscles, finger tapping, foot wiggling are indications of tension. These indicate you are not calm, even if you think you are. Mild tension may be second nature to you, but do your best to pay attention to it.

Teach kids to read the cues. “Oh my gosh, you had so much stress when you came to school today, I could see it in your shoulders.”

We want kids to be able to describe their feelings themselves, “I’m bubbling inside”, “I’m really revved up”, “I’m having a very hard morning”

You can point out connections like “When I see you prowling the house, I know it’s time for you to find a quiet place.” “When you start stumbling, you need to stop and read a book.” “When you can’t decide, it helps to take a deep breath.”

“It only takes about four years.”

Spirited children need the vocabulary to name their emotions. Pick vocabulary that focuses on strengths. “I’ve got gusto”, “I’m full of it.” “I practice my whisper voice because usually I’m very dramatic”. “I have powerful reactions.”

Gottman: “Emotion Coaching” makes kids more effective at self-soothing and focusing attention.

It’s never too old to start.

To assess, play a game of thinking of examples of someone who was [emotion word]. Lack of responses suggest kids don’t know what specific emotion words are like jealousy or anxiety.

If children can articulate, they can ask for help.

Intense spirited kids need to hear: “You are {enthusiastic, expressive, lively, upset-but-a-problem-solver}” “Your body gets very excited”, “I’m wondering if you feel {anxious, angry, sad}” “That can be frustrating” “Being intense does not mean being aggressive”

Intense spirited kids can learn to say: “I am getting upset, I need to step out of here”, “I’m going into the red zone” “I can be angry without hurting anyone” “I’m really excited” “I like being enthusiastic” “I’m feeling crabby” “I experience strong emotion but don’t have to let it overwhelm me”

Write down what words your child uses to describe her own intensity. Give them positive words to use the next time.

Prevention

When energy levels become frenzied, we assume they need more stimulation or to run up and down the hallway, but they actually need is help winding down.

Low-key soothing and calming activities distributed through the day will help them stay in green zone.

1. Sleep and siesta quiet alone time. John Bates: spirited children are especially affected by sleep deprivation.
2. Water: Story of a kid who spends an hour in the bathtub after a hard day at school, or helped by a washcloth or playing in the sink.
3. Imagination: Grandma Leah’s Dress-Up: Have kids imagine they are going to a elegant ball or costume party and pretend to dress them up for it.
4. Sensory activities: Music, chewing gum, sucking from a straw, rubbing a stuffed animal, gardening, baking. Spirited kids need sensory materials. Play-Doh, Silly Putty. Every good preschool has a sensory table. Finger painting the shower wall. Pressure like a heavy blanket.
5. Physical exercise and repetitive motion: Plan it into the day. Running, climbing, bicycling, swinging, swimming, or roller-skating. Heavy work like pushing, pulling or carrying. Rocking chair, sit n spin, stationery bicycle, trampoline. Fidget toys.
6. Reading to them.
7. Deep breathing: Maybe helpful to have them put hand on tummy.
8. Humor
9. Time-out–not as a punishment: Unfortunately spirited kids do not easily put themselves in a time-out. Help them recognize over time that tired or overwhelmed feelings are a signal for them to call time-out. Time-out does not require isolation. Create a calming basket for each room. Fill basket with toys, stickers, books, legos, stuffed animals, etc. Teach concretely what a relaxed body is: eyes will look at you, arms and legs will be still. can listen and answer. voice quiet. sense of peacefulness. Learning to use this tool is critical for spirited kids approaching teen years.

Pick what to say during the pivotal moment

The pivotal moment on the edge of the red zone: Have a supportive response prepared. “I think you had something important to say.” “What did you want to say?” “What do you need?” “I will help you.”

Plan what to say ahead of time.

Chapter 8: Meltdowns: What to Do When Everything Falls Apart

Connect with child, calm them, then importantly, do a “Redo”

Spirited children experience “spillover” meltdowns: “outpouring of emotion in a disorganized way”. These are not pre-meditated or intended to manipulate. These meltdowns appear during infancy.

Later, could be screams, whirls in frenzy, physically runs away, or sags down onto the ground. These are signs of child being swamped by emotions.

Child needs you to help him discover source of emotional flood and stop it. Needs guidance to calm self down and regain self-control.

Script to repeat to yourself: “My child is in a spillover meltdown, I don’t have to go there too”

Intimidation does not stop them, but listening does.

First help them recover from the blast of hormones. The teachable moment will be later on.

Even when you stop child (see chapter 10), do so with “my first job is to connect and calm”. Use the pivotal moment statement picked in Chapter 7. Then observe what the child really does not want to do: “I see you really do not want to take a shower.”

Dig into why not. If child does not know, make more specific guesses, like “Is it the water getting in your eyes or ears?” or “Was he crowding you?”

Try to identify source of flood of emotion based on child’s temperament. “Did you need more time to finish your game?”

“Do you need time to run and play?” “Does it frustrate you when I say no?”

Listening does not mean agreeing.

Talk to spirited infants as if they were older.

Story about: “You need to do X. You can think of a plan or I can. My plan is Y. I’ll set a timer for five minutes. If you don’t have a plan by then, we will use my plan.”

“Redo”

It is critical to go back after she is calm. Author calls this “redo”. Moments after, hour after, or 1-2 days later with older children.

1. Help your child understand what she was feeling/needing. Framing is working together. “That didn’t feel good for anyone. Let’s make a plan so it doesn’t happen again.”

   Prompts: “I think I surprised you.” “I’m wondering if the noise was bothering you.” “I’m wondering if you had a different plan.” “I saw you yawn and it made me think you were tired.” “You like to be part of the conversation.”

2. Clarify the expectation.

3. Teach the specific words or actions you want your child to use next time.

4. Practice the scenario. Return to the location if possible, otherwise set the stage.

5. If there was a “victim” then redo also needs to include making amends. This does not involve forcing an apology.

For toddlers, the “redo” has to be immediate because memory is short. The redo is like a safety harness to keep her from falling into the red zone the next time.

Parents also play a role in meltdowns. Was there anything you could have done differently?

hitting/kicking/throwing

Firm voice: “If you cannot stop yourself, I will help you.” or “I cannot allow to hurt yourself or others.”

Hold child firmly. Assure him as soon as his voice is soft and his legs and arms are still you will let go.

yelling/swearing/calling names

“I will help you. Try that again in a way that makes me want to listen.”

for toddlers, connect and calm, but insist they say it appropriately before you give him what he wants.

be present, offer touch

not every child goes into “fight” mode for spillover meltdown.

sliding-door moment: child needs connection, slide door open wand walk through instead of turning away. Responding warmly is not a “bad habit.”

If you need a timeout, this is good – reassure your child you will be back.

give child space

other times, touch may add intensity, especially introverted children. Signals: “Don’t look at me!” “Go away!” “Get out of my room!” Respect boundaries; let them know you’ll check back and are available and care.

Especially important for extroverted parents to override their natural tendency and respect need for space. “I will not touch you, but I will stay near you”

encourage child to move

If child bolts, hold hands and walk briskly or encourage to pace or climb stairs or move, or find a safe place to run. As adult, socially acceptable to move with legs, less so with arms, so encourage legs.

talk out loud in public

ignore strangers' judgment in public. who cares what they think?

no spanking

it doesn’t work. it’s just the parent’s spillover meltdown.

look for fuel source

what times are most common?

1. later afternoon: everyone tired/hungry. Indicates short on sleep. consider dropping activities, especially after lack of sleep or time zone change.
2. mornings: if you have to wake your child in the morning, odds are increased greatly. avoid rushing. get morning routine set up night before as much as possible.
3. when your stress is high. manage your own stress because kids pick up on it very quickly. consider playing with the child.
4. developmental surges: birthdays, half-birthdays, puberty, starting school, entering middle school. theorists say this is time of disintegration: moving from one stage to another. mental image: five blocks in a stack. knock them all down, then add a new one, but now shape is a pyramid. construction can take 3-6 weeks. slow down schedule. be proactive.
5. empty introvert/extrovert energy banks
6. fear: afraid of making a mistake. break skills into steps.

savor success. “You were very upset, but you remembered not to hit me” “I heard you say you were getting frustrated, you’re really growing up”. “I saw you walking away instead of pushing your brother. You must be proud of yourself.”

Take care of yourself.

If meltdowns never stop, it may be a medical issue.

Chapter 9: Persistence: Choosing Your Battles—When to Say Yes

Problem solving takes longer but pays off in long term.

Having a kid identify as coming from a “problem-solving family” is a powerful identity.

If child pulls east (“I won’t”) don’t pull west (“Yes you will”) instead pull north (“Let’s work together”).

Talk about persistence explicitly. Tenacity, persistence, determination, grit, and diligence predict future success.

Spirited kids need to hear we value their persistence.

Persistent kids need to hear phases like: you…

1. are: “committed”, “decisive”, “assertive”, “independent”, “capable"know what you want
2. have drive to achieve great things
3. won’t get talked into doing something you don’t want to do.

Kids learn to say:

1. I have an idea
2. Let’s {make a plan, work together}
3. I know I can accomplish this!
4. Could we talk about this?

Appreciating persistence turns parents from brick wall into helpful resource.

Need to also teach kids to respect us and other people.

Find “Win wins”. Understand what’s important to your child, explain what’s important to you, then solve the problem together.

Seek understanding

1. Be a “good” listener: look at person, be calm and relaxed, focus, respond on topic, nod, facial expressions match topic.
2. Ask “what’s up”. When you and child lock into incompatible argumentative positions, there’s a reason why. “What’s up” is easier for children to answer than “why do you feel that way”. You may need to guess, with younger children. If response sounds ridiculous, keep digging. You’re not trying to cheer up your child, you’re trying to understand.

Explain what’s important to you

Explaining your values helps your child make them his own in the future.

This does not include preaching or accusing like “I did not like the rude way you talked to me.” It is a simple statement that you own like:

1. I expect to be treated respectfully
2. I am worried if you don’t eat you’ll feel awful
3. I need to know you are eating nutritiously.
4. It’s important to me that you’re safe.
5. It’s important to me to be on time.

Solve problem together

Start by restating needs of both parties. Invite to solve together, like “what could we do?”

If child’s idea does not address your needs too, just say “that’s one idea, give me three more.” It’s brainstorming, so anything goes.

With toddlers

Prepare environment so that kids are self-sufficient and safe.

Is there somewhere to jump other than the couch?

Are books easy to grab?

Long term

Spending the time looking for “yes” takes time in the short term but frequently saves time in the long term.

Persistent kids have persistent parents

Know when to drop things or remind your child you are problem solvers. Remember to ask “tell me more” and “what’s up” to get to the “why”

Roadblocks

Analytical and persistent kids may feel vulnerable about exploring emotions. Switch to concrete facts.

Ask if something felt unfair, this may prompt sharing.

If kid pushes you away when you offer a hug, they are “factual”. Stick to the facts while problem solving, then do a “Redo” to talk about feelings later. Just like with meltdowns, the “redo” is essential.

One mom slid a multiple-choice checkbox problem-solving question form under the door after her kid ran away from a situation and locked his door.

If not everybody is calm, take a break and come back to problem solving later. Introverts need time to process first. If you’re rushing, problem solving won’t work.

Chapter 10: Persistence: Choosing Your Battles—Saying No

Set clear and concrete limits ahead of time. Find the balance between overcontrol and undercontrol.

“Transparency in setting limits”: Expectations and consequences are concrete and presented up front. Researchers tell us this is how competent parents set limits.

Spirited kids need confident parents who establish and enforce clear limits instead of being “mean”.

Raising kids is like raising cattle: Provide a good size pasture with a sound fence and make sure they know you’re there for them.

When you establish limits, spirited children may scream “I hate you” or “You’re the meanest parent in the world.” This may make it hard to stand strong.

Using words

Stop things that are “unsafe, hurtful, or disrespectful to self, others, or the environment”

Spirited child needs to hear: “I will keep you safe” “You can count on me to do what I said” “If you can’t stop yourself I will help you stop” “I will let you know what to expect” “You can make a choice with your behavior”

Just like with feedback to adults, use 1:1 discussions instead of yelling across room. Use firm voice, not harsh or loud, just with conviction. Tell child:

1. What you want him to do: “You can choose X”
2. What you will do if he does not do it. “If you choose Y, I will do Z”
3. When you will do it. “If I see you do Y, I will know you are choosing Z”

If time elapses, “I’m sorry. You made a choice. Next time you can make a different one.”

All this builds trust.

Transparent limits must be specific and precise or you will end up debating loopholes. To diagnose misunderstandings, ask kids what they think expectations are.

Toddlers think in black and white so rules must be simple and overly-consistent. After age 6, rules can be more flexible.

The action you decide you take must be something that you are able and willing to do. Sometimes, it will require waiting until your child is calm first, e.g. if you decided on an outfit and the child doesn’t like your choice.

Failing to do what you said you would do leads to “amplifying” as your child escalates to figure out where the line is.

Counting (like, counting to 3, or to 10) is good for younger kids but escalates older kids. For older kids, set a clock time limit, like 5:00 and avoid hovering or reminding, maybe except one 20-minute warning.

If there’s no time limit, establish a specific behavior trigger like “If I {hear you yell, see you hit your brother}”

Ultimately you want your kids to stop themselves. Starting later in preschool, put your energy into helping them stop themselves.

Finding the balance

Undercontrol makes you feel resentful. Think about whether you are convinced an expectation is in the best interest of the child and family. If you are, you will have conviction in your voice.

Example: Nobody worries about wounding the child’s spirit when they force the child to wear a seat belt in a car.

Use Amy Cudder body language ideas: Fake confidence till you make it

Overcontrol make you feel like a drill sergeant.

Children go “mother deaf”/“father deaf” and ignore everything, or fight. You need to say “Yes, let’s work together” more.

Balanced control feels like making progress

People stop to listen to each other. Everyone knows what to expect. Everyone feels respected and respectful. Everyone is getting what they need.

Chapter 11: Sensitivity: Understanding How They Feel

Sensory overload is overwhelming. Pay attention to stimulation levels.

Sensitivity allows spirited children to form deep attachments and nurture others.

Sharon Heller: “If we feel ‘touchy,’ our whole nervous system is out of whack and affects other sensory systems as well: when you get a mosquito bite, chapped lips or a hangnail, you feel on edge and the world gets brighter and louder.”

If you feel alone, find the largest/noisiest/most congested store where you will find spirited kids exploding all over the store. Real trigger isn’t refusal to buy things, it’s the overstimulation.

Monitor the stimulation level anywhere there’s a significant amount of noise, smell, bright lights, big crowds.

Teach your kid, like “It’s pretty crowded in here. There’s lots of noise and bright colors. You might start to get that weird feeling inside you again. If you feel that way, I will help you find a quiet spot.”

Check if child knows words like: scratchy, bumpy, sticky, tight, stinky, noisy, screechy, sad, lonesome, scared, hot, irritated, or overwhelmed? Are you honest when they ask if you’re upset or sad?

Know when to leave. Let hosts know you will need to leave early at the beginning if needed.

Electronics can appear to be calming when actually they are overstimulating.

Consider occupational therapy. Combine sensitive behavior with poor coordination and rag-doll muscle tone, this may be sensory-processing problems.

If you are sensitive too, it’s very important you constantly check stimulation level around you.

Positive labels: “Loving, warm, affectionate, sensitive, selective”

If you aren’t as sensitive, it can be challenging to understand. Be kind, appreciate they may be seeing/hearing things you can’t.

Chapter 12: Distractible or Perceptive: Helping Them Hear Our Directions

Kids get lots of inputs. If they seem like they don’t hear you they’re not ignoring you, they’re attending to other inputs. Communicate like a marketing department.

Story of a preschooler hearing the salvation army bell and thus not listening to instructions in a grocery store.

Kids brains that feel threatened spontaneously signal the muscles to let eyelids droop, reduce voice inflection, and adjust the muscle in the middle ear so the human voice becomes less acute and sounds in environment become more pronounced.

If kid is barraged by information from senses, it may look like he is not listening to the instruction. It’s our job to teach kids what is happening and teach them techniques for distinguishing the most important messages.

1. Create good feelings. Act like the marketing director of a major company. Help them believe that our message is the most important. “emotion extension”: ads are embedded with images of playing, dancing and celebrating. Creating a good feeling is effective. Parents need to communicate that it feels good to be around us and do the things we ask. Yelling brings on “parent deafness.”
2. Vary your methods. Brain likes novelty. Also allows repeating message without seeming like nagging. Classroom teacher example: blink lights (visual), sing (auditory), walk over touch/remind (physical), start picking up blocks (modeling). Once you learn which techniques are most effective, teach him how to ask for directions from teachers in the way that works for him.
3. Eye contact. Walk over, bend down and look in eye, or pick them up and sit on counter. If they don’t do eye contact, they may be in red zone, and you have to calm them first. Every request is a transition. If child not ready, “I can see you are not ready to talk yet. I will wait.”
4. Keep the message simple.
5. Say what you mean. YES: “Time for bed.” NO: “Time for bed, okay” or “Go to bed, please”
6. Tell them what they can do. “walk slowly” instead of “stop running”

Look at yourself. Teach yourself to avoid distractions like interruptions from other children, calls, text messages. Share the techniques you use to keep your focus with your children.

Establish quiet settings for working on tasks. Reduce number of choices, like pull two shirts out of closet and put them in bathroom so child can make decision there.

Break large tasks into small steps.

Avoid interrupting them while they’re in the middle of a task, it breaks their concentration.

Identify your own attention-getters as a parent – what did your child have to do to get you to listen to him? Your list might look like:

1. Hits/yells at me
2. Stands right in front of me and puts face in my face
3. Bites baby
4. Whines
5. Hangs on me

Teach kids how you want them to get your attention. Words? Which ones? Actions? Eye contact?

Positive labels: “You notice everything”, “sometimes it’s hard for you to hear instructions when you’re uncomfortable”, “You are very creative because you notice things others miss”, “perceptive”, “wonderful sense of humor”

Chapter 13: Adaptability: Making Transitions Easier

Spirited children adapt slowly to any transition.

Transitions are any shift: stopping play to eat, waking up, moving from one house to another. All kids benefit from planned transitions. Spirited kids need them.

Think through the beginnings and endings of activities and events and which ones are hardest. Probably waking up and getting out in the morning, returning home, bedtime, entering or leaving places/activities, going to or from other parent with shared custody, and changes in routines due to vacations and holidays.

Positive labels: “You like to know what’s going to happen”, “like routines”, “like to have a plan”, “can be flexible”

Naming the feelings: “That was {a surprise, different from what you expected}”, “It’s hard to leave when you’re having a good time”

“Change is difficult, but you can and do change all the time”

Use words like “routine”, “plan”, “time” and “shift”. Even 4 year olds can do it.

1. Establish a routine. It’s calming to know what to expect when awakening, who will pick them up, or when they are expected to do homework.

   Create visual plans (like cartoons) with routines.

2. Eliminate unnecessary transitions, small ones like “starting or stopping use of electronics” or large ones like “removing activities from overscheduled kids”

   Consider cancelling classes especially if they conflict with meals or sleep.

3. Allow time. Spirited kids need plenty of time to make transitions. Every five minutes spent in prevention saves fifteen of turmoil. Slow-to-adapt kids are not wasting time, they are working into the change and often need assistance.

4. Forewarning. Make sure they know what will come up. “You have X minutes” “What else do you need to do to be ready?” “After this show we will X” “When timer goes off it’s time to X”

5. Allow time for closure. Acknowledge with “It’s hard to stop” or “You can go back later”. If you’re short on time, you may need to help children. Remind about exciting things with next activity.

6. Use imagination, e.g. pretend washing hands is a dump truck dumping water. Walk backwards or gallop like a pony into next activity.

7. Disappointment hits hard. Spirited kids need to understand disappointment is difficult for them. Phrases to learn: “That’s not what I expected”, “I need a minute to recover,” “I’m having a tough time with this change”, “Can we talk about this?” “May I please have one more minute?” “That was a surprise but I’m a problem solver” Play “what if” ahead of time with kids. Emphasis is on our confidence in their ability to solve the problem.

The clock may be ticking, but take a few minutes to work with your child.

Chapter 14: Regularity, Energy, First Reaction, and Mood: Understanding the “Bonus” Traits

Irregular

Like with other traits, find labels that show you appreciate and value their traits.

Switching to a more regular schedule can take 3-6 weeks.

Researchers have found an erratic schedule is more detrimental to well-being than sleep deprivation alone. It puts your and kid’s brain in a constant state of jet lag.

High Energy

Analogy for empathizing with High Energy: think of having a full bladder in a location with no restroom for 5 hours.

1. Find activities for the kid to do.
2. Sometimes when a child gets revved up, there’s another temperament trait involved that’s the more root cause. Watch carefully for rev-up. Talk about root cause trait instead of about energy if there is one. More climbing or jumping will not slow him down in this case.
3. Expect to use gentle touch to direct. Grabbing will result in struggle. Once he can look at you, he’s ready to work with you. If frenzy is dangerous, wrap arms around him and say “I’ll help you stop, I’ll keep you as snug as a bug in a rug”

First Reaction

Use gentle nudges:

1. I will support you, I believe you can do it
2. Help name feelings and know that others feel that way too
3. Allow time to think and an opportunity to observe
4. Build bridges from and remind about past successes
5. Helps see smaller parts of task and allows us to choose when we feel ready
6. Takes time

Positive labels: “You think before doing”, “You can break this into steps”, “You have bubbles in your tummy but you are not ill”, “Practice makes better, “You like to watch before jumping in”

Nudging makes kids feel confident. Pushing makes them feel out of control.

You can’t intellectually convince kid that they shouldn’t be uncomfortable. Their uncomfortable feeling is a fact. Teach them to say “I’d like to watch first” or “I just need a minute”

Teach other strategies: bring a friend, watch a video, watch the class first, create a picture plan ahead of time.

If child is sensitive: Elaine Aron: sometimes a cautious reaction occurs when a highly sensitive person is overwhelmed by a barrage of stimulation. Teach kid that it’s easier to manage new social situations if he arrives early before the crowd. Sitting in a new environment is more comfortable than standing. He can carry sticky notes to cover the sensor on auto-flush toilets or wear sunglasses to cut glaring light.

Teach child that you will support her to figure out how to do something when she wants to say “I can’t”. Avoidance is not the answer.

Mood

Analytical children need to be taught how to be positive and tactful.

Puppy too small book about focusing on what you can vs can’t do.

Teach good manners.

If you are a serious/analytical parent, remind yourself to celebrate successes and look for strengths. If you are not, realize that child isn’t necessarily unhappy, just pointing things out.

The world needs people with a critical eye.

PART THREE: LIVING WITH SPIRIT

Chapter 15: Planning for Success: Predicting and Preventing the Trouble Spots

Repetitive tasks like grocery shopping can be predicted and planned for.

1. Predict reactions: Start the day thinking about how to help child be successful. Not focused on how to make him behave/survive. Mentally run through day: anything new? over-stimulating? What reaction might happen? As child is older (e.g. 8) include her in taking this responsibility for herself. Talk out loud if you’re doing the predicting. Predictions must change as kids gain skills. Expand to week and month. Daylight savings, changing seasons affects clothing…
2. Organize setting: Remove non-touchable objects, plan outings that kids can be successful at, avoid toys that promote aggressive play. Prepare books/paper/markers/wipes/water/crackers/etc. Create space for introverts.
3. Work together: Consider child’s energy levels, e.g. at different times of day. Schedule during peak energy times. Resolutely protect sleep time. Share your vision of success with your child ahead of time. Know when to quit
4. Enjoy rewards: Recognize child’s achievements, and your own.

“I know, you’re not ready yet. I won’t make you. We’ll just wait until you’re ready.”

Chapter 16: Bedtime and Night Waking

Kids may be stuck on go and too wired to sleep.

Protect sleep like a fire-eating dragon.

It can keep kids healthy, reduce risk of cavities, obesity, depression, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, improve math reasoning, raise reading scores, foster impulse control and quicker reactions, improve focus and attention, and reduce conflicts and accidents.

[National Sleep Foundation recommendations for average total sleep needs](https://www.sleep healthjournal.org/article/S2352-7218(15)00015-7/fulltext)

Age	Recommended
0-17mo	14-18h, 3+ naps
18-36mo	13-14h, 1-2 naps
3-5y	11-12h
6-12y	10-11h
Adolescents	9.25h

During winter, we sleep more.

If you wake your children in the morning, they are not getting enough sleep

Even if they awake on their own, they may still be sleep deprived. Kids are getting enough sleep if they are happy, flexible, creative and tolerant even during late-afternoon poison hours.

Protect entire family’s sleep including your own.

Establish earliest wake-up time per week as the wake up time all 7 days. Switching by 2 hours is like a 2-time-zone jet lag.

You won’t need to sleep in because everyone got enough sleep. You still can, but just limit it to 30 or 60 minute window.

Establish regular meal times. Match to the school’s times.

Ellyn Satter: 6 mini-meals/day, each containing protein, carbohydrate, fruit/veg and fat. Meals are 2.5-3h apart

Plan exercise time. Avoid late in day under artificial lite.

Establish nap if child is 5 or younger.

Don’t forget your own nap.

Select night sleep time.

Plan out the schedule (example shows down to the 15 minutes).

Best schedules let parents arise before kids.

Puberty makes it hard for adolescents to fall asleep before 10 p.m.

7-10 days after adjusting, things will get bad. Total adjustment time will be 3-6 weeks, so keep going.

Intense children

1. Pick up cues. There’s a melatonin peak. If you miss the window, a shot of adrenaline delays sleep 45-90 minutes. Sleep cues are in multiple levels
   1. Red under eyes, staring off, slowing down, glazed look, tired eyes
   2. Yawning, rubbing eyes, laying head down, lose focus, going for comfort object
   3. You’ve missed the sleep window: Burst of energy/wild/silly, screaming, resistant, whining, irritable, not complying
2. Expect you may need to calm your child. Touch calms. Author does not like “Cry it out”. If more than one kid, you can alternate (e.g. every day)
3. Decide where everyone will sleep
4. Protect naps

Persistent Children

1. Make bedtime routine simple. Consider moving both reading and bath earlier because both can be alerting instead of calming. If bath calms child, then include it.
2. Create a picture planner of the bedtime routine.
3. Switch to sleep. Interaction should stop. A few pats are fine.

Sensitive Children

1. Create a nest, quiet/low-stimulation place. Find a spot away from street to reduce noise. Use blackout shades to reduce light. Eliminate clutter: electronics, toys, mobiles, murals. Check temperature of room.
2. Fighting over pajamas is not worth it.
3. Talk about feelings before sleep. Some are anxious they won’t fall asleep.

Perceptive children

1. Help him hear your messages through distractions. Avoid distractions of your own

If your child is slow to adapt

1. Allow enough time. Simpler routines have fewer transitions.
2. Begin with closure before routine, e.g. “It’s time to start getting ready for bed in 10 minutes” “What do you need to complete so you’ll be ready to stop and go to bed?” Timers can be helpful. Some families use a music box that stops after 10 min.

If your child is irregular

Mark daylight savings time on your calendar. Spirited kids can take 3 weeks to adjust. Start process of adjustment 2 weeks in advance of everybody else.

You can’t make an irregular child fall asleep but you can insist on a definite bedtime. Keep the routine even on weekends.

If your child is energetic

Catch his melatonin window. Many kids get wild, this is a sign that you missed it. Many high energy kids have a window mere 15 minutes long.

If you miss it, teach him to tense every muscle in body then relax it. Encourage him to take deep breaths and slowly let them out.

Preventatively, make sure child has exercise and roughhousing daily not just at bedtime.

Cautious first reaction children

Listen and trust the messages he sends you. Meet his needs. Then use gentle nudge.

Get your own needs met

8.25h of sleep. Child’s behaviors will stop being fueled by your own lack of sleep.

If none of that worked

1. Doctor check iron levels
2. Adenoids and tonsils
3. Interview family about sleep apnea or restless leg
4. Check for allergies/food intolerance
5. Schedule sleep study
6. Honestly review your own stress

Celebrate successes

Entire book about sleep

Chapter 17: Mealtime

Exercise in parent group session: Unpack your lunch. Then move one chair to right. You now have to eat this new lunch. Eat any fruit or vegetables first. You have 10 minutes because we have another exercise to do first.

1. Predict: Perceptiveness leads to “grazing”: eating, talking, playing, browsing, talking, eating. All children are prone to food jags (insistence on one food) or food strikes.
2. Organize setting: Ellyn Satter: you are responsible for “what, when, and where”. Child determines how much and whether to eat. Clara Davis: infants will self-select nutritious food choices.
3. Control the props: You have to control what food is even available and have healthy snacks around.
4. Make snacks predictable part of schedule. Every 2-3 hours between meals. Snacks should have protein, carbohydrate, fruit/vegetable and a little fat.
5. Eat meals together. Studies show family meals lead to better nutrient intake. If this is hard, pick at least one day a week where no excuses allowed, not even working late, a friend’s house, or soccer practice.

Do the messages you have in your head about food interfere with sensitively responding to your kids' needs?

Intense children

Teach good manners. No yelling “YUCK”, instead, “no thank you”.

Persistent children

A “serving” for toddlers is very small, so don’t worry too much about forcing food. By 8, a serving of egg becomes a whole egg, but before then, it’s less.

Involve your child in food preparation. Also occupies them during afternoon “poison hour”

Don’t use food as punishment or reward. The only questions are “are you hungry” and “are you full”

Avoid making dessert a reward or punishment

Sensitive children

Serve variety of foods at once.

Be aware of food allergies.

Talk about feelings – “you have a good sense of taste”

“It’s alright to say ‘no thank you’, ‘i’m hungry’ and ‘i’m full’”

Perceptive children

“You can choose to stay at the table and eat. If I see you leave the table, I know you are deciding not to eat now. The choice is yours”

Pick up electronics, toys, distracters before you sit down to eat.

Check with OT if there is gagging, or difficulty chewing.

Children slow to adapt

1. Establish routine. Specific snack and meal times.
2. Clear transitions with warnings
3. Let her know what’s on the menu

Irregular children

It’s not stubbornness. You have to look at intake over the whole day to decide if it’s a problem. One good meal per day is fine. Check growth charts. Monitor activity levels. If they’re normal, it’s fine. Even if child is not hungry, vital to still ask them to come to table. This is a social skill.

Energetic children

Make sure she has exercise before coming to table.

Adopt the rule “when we eat, we sit at the table”

Children whose first reaction is to reject

Respect kids rejection.

Chapter 18: Getting Dressed

“Can you love me as I am, even if putting on socks takes a huge amount of time”

Kids are not stubborn or uncooperative or free spirits, it’s temperament.

1. Predict which temperament is affecting putting on clothes
2. Organize setting: Create a space to dress. No TV in morning. Keep shades down if windows are distracting. Close doors if kids want to run through open ones. Toys and other things. Too many clothing choices.
   1. Get rid of clothes you don’t want kid to choose.
   2. Organize drawers into “dress-up”, “school” and “play”. Child helps decide what goes in each.
   3. Indoor/outdoor thermometer. Child can’t argue with thermometer.
   4. Mirror to watch progress
   5. Easy clasps
3. Work together: Let them make their own choices

Intense children

1. Teach her to use words if she insists on inefficiently getting dressed herself (and help break it down into steps)
2. Use humor

Persistent children

Buy “consensus clothes”

1. Send message: “I will listen to you”, “I will not make you buy anything you hate”, “I will expect you to be flexible and try on things I suggest”
2. Expect to make several shopping trips
3. Take breaks
4. Know when to quit
5. When you find it, buy it even if not on sale

When they change their minds, diagnose what’s wrong with the outfit.

Sensitive children

Be aware of textures and fit. Believe kids can sense small things. Select natural fabric like cotton. Be creative. The inside needs to be soft and pleasant.

Help them name their feelings

Believe them when they tell you they’re hot.

Know when to switch from dress clothes back into comfortable clothes.

Try lotion or massage

Perceptive children

1. Use your imagination. Pretend the clothes are a uniform or a costume.
2. Compromise
3. Visual instructions can help about what order to put clothes on.

Slow to adapt

1. Allow time. Maybe it takes 30 minutes.
2. Set up a routine.
3. Choose the outfit the night before.
4. Prepare for change in seasons.

Energetic children

Let her do as much as possible.

Enjoy rewards

Repetition brings success

Let other people help. Spirited kids save their biggest battles for their parents.

PART FOUR: SOCIALIZING WITH SPIRIT

Chapter 19: Getting Along with Other Kids

Social skills and protocol are learned. Spirited kids that are drenched in perception or fired by intensity may miss cues. Others may be overwhelmed and pull away.

Create opportunities to practice, e.g. find a preschool at least some days a week.

Social skill levels:

1. It’s mine!
2. Side-by-side play
3. Taking turns
4. Leading/Following/Cooperating

Learning to enter a group: Watch carefully as your child joins another child. Research shows kids that move into a group without drawing immediate attention to themselves, ask relevant questions, and avoid disagreeing with other group members initially are more socially successful.

Half of first attempts to join a group are rejected, so you need to teach children to try many times.

Extroverted kids (especially high-energy) are notorious for invading space of others.

For violence, use strategies in chapter 8. Have kids work through the problem solving. Often the aggressor is more frightened and needs to be addressed. Don’t solve the problem for them.

Handling teasing

Talk through options ahead of time:

1. Walk away
2. Call for an adult’s help
3. Tell the aggressor to stop
4. Talk to someone else
5. Use humor or agree

If it crosses the line (which is unclear) into bullying adults should step in.

Learning to share

The rules/limits are very unclear.

Toddlers don’t know how to share. Don’t set them up in situations where they need to.

Older kids can be expected to share some, but spirited sensitive kids, especially introverts, are protective of possessions.

Teach child to put away things she does not want to share before others come to play.

Celebrate success.

Surviving transitions

Losing a game is especially painful for a spirited child. It’s undesirable and not planned/expected.

Explain how a good winner acts. Talk about what it feels like to lose. It’s not all right to throw a ball down on the court, refuse to shake hands, whine, complain about referees or teammates.

Introvert/Extrovert

Introverts may only have a few deep relationships. If they can play with at least one other child successfully, don’t worry, they are just choosing who to use their social skills with.

Chapter 20: Holiday and Vacation Hot Spots

Holidays and vacations can be full of triggers.

Figure out what is actually fun.

Ask kids what they remember or are looking forward to.

Share info about temperament with family and what works or doesn’t.

Talk about what will happen before it happens.

Watch out for crowds.

(Various other specific scenarios and prescriptions)

Chapter 21: Success in School

A good classroom has:

1. Emotional Support
   1. Joy: Teachers, Students, staff and parents visiting seem happy
   2. Calm: Your “gut” relaxes when you step in
   3. Cherished: pictures of kids' interests.
   4. Respected: respectful conversations occur with kids
2. Instructional Support
   1. Kids are excited about what they are learning
   2. Vibrant: lots of modes of instruction: visual, verbal, physical. Individual and group work
3. Classroom Environment
   1. Safe: adults are not threats. Kids have been taught how to resolve conflict
   2. Organized: there’s a routine that is clearly conveyed
   3. Warm: hugs, touch and listening. No shaming or shouting
   4. Physically comfortable

Heed your gut, e.g. when a child has to be redirected.

Don’t rely on reputation or hearsay.

Note if teachers complain when children raise their hands too much.

Is there an agenda on the board?

How do teachers respond to emotion?

Is movement integrated into classroom? Ward elementary implemented “read and ride” program. kids who spent most time achieved 83% proficiency in reading. those who spent least time: 41%

Introverts need an area where they can take a break.

It is very advisable to write a letter to the principal describing the qualities of a child and the type of teacher you think he would be most successful with and even describing why you think a particular teacher would be a good match.

Work with the school. Research shows children of parents who are more involved in school and education are more successful.

1. Attend conferences, open houses, performances.
2. Volunteer to work in classroom
3. A few hours at a casual event talking to principal or kids or parents may help prevent problems or let you solve them more cordially

Share with teacher about personality. Use labels from this book.

When there are problems, you must advocate.

1. If can’t work with principal, try boss
2. Teachers have stress and 25 kids. If we aren’t thoughtful, our demands may feel overwhelming
3. Schedule a meeting face to face. Find things that you can agree with.
4. Tone of voice that you are trying to understand, e.g. ask for examples. Are problems only on some days, some classes, or only when finishing worksheets?
5. Ask teacher what she thinks your child may have been feeling
6. Don’t assume teacher knows about temperament.
7. Figure out what is important to teacher and think about and explain what is important to you.
8. Talk about things that are going well or working. If none this year, maybe from previous years
9. Teachers have temperaments too. If negative first reaction, don’t force a solution.
10. You have your own temperament too.
11. Principal or counselor can join the meeting too.
12. Kids don’t need a classroom that works 100% of time, only a majority of the time.
13. Think of advocating, not blaming

Before school year starts, ask kid what she is excited or worried about.

Try to practice or role play ahead of time things that are worrying to her.

Send child to school in green zone

Gahan Fallone at Mercy Clinic: “If parents want their children to thrive academically, getting them to sleep on time is as important as getting them to school on time.”

Family meals are critical. Family meal is better indicator of academic achievement than participation in sports or arts.

Be emotionally and physically available in the morning, e.g. few minutes completely focused on child.

Reentry

Kids can fall apart the moment they reunite with you. “It’s okay to be drained, but not acceptable to hit, kick, scream, or be rude.”

Discuss to figure out what’s needed: snack, talk, alone time, activity, etc.

Then make a visual plan for after-school.

Homework

Figure out with child what best environment is. Time work unit like reading one page, then extrapolate the total completion time and discuss how to complete it. Decide what will happen during breaks. Encourage starting with easy task.

Teach her to stop in the middle of a sentence so it’s easy to pick up and go again.

Dig Deeper

If struggles at school persist, it could be learning differences, poor health, or many other factors.

Check on your own stress. One family did family counseling. Spirited kids are the emotional barometer of the family.

PART FIVE: ENJOYING SPIRIT

Epilogue: The Rose in My Garden

Building a relationship takes years. Motto is progress, not perfection.

On good days, pat yourself on back.

On bad days, re-read this book – things that seemed irrelevant before may be relevant now.

Do not fear intensity. Intensity is passion, zest, and vitality.

Spirited kids are like roses. Need more care and have to get past thorns to truly enjoy their beauty.